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Notes From a Sick Bed

 Ahhh sickness, hello again. I must admit, I haven't missed you. It's that inevitable time of year again, time for mammoth colds that drive you with your tail between your legs into your bed for a week. Maybe more if it's especially nasty. Well, this one seems to be especially nasty. I've been on the couch hacking up lungs and going through boxes of tissues like an olympic sport for the past six days. And to top it off, I started my period yesterday and I experienced the worst cramps I have ever felt in my whole entire life. I swore for a moment there I was having a baby. It was that painful. So my mom gave me a Darvocet and when that didn't work, a Loratab. After the Loratab kicked in, I didn't feel any pain anymore. In fact, I felt nothing at all except the full weight of my body, tripled. My whole body felt like it was made of lead. When I came to my body was still heavy and my head felt like it was made of fuzz. Suffice to say I have had a Loratab hangover allllllllll day. No fun, no fun at all. But at least I can walk and eat all by myself now. Kudos for me. Fortunately I have an awesome mom who has been by side supplying me with plenty of gatorade, tissues and hugs. It's times like these when I really regret ever treating her like something worse than shits own shit. She didn't deserve it. I am going to miss her more than I can express with words when I go off to college next year. I just keep reminding myself that it won't be like when I was at boarding school, I'll be going to college because I WANT to and I'll be able to talk to my mom whenever I want. When I was at boarding I suffered terrible homesickness the first couple of months, which I'm sure I'll face when I go to college, but hopefully since I'll be able to contact my family when I need to and I'll be doing work I actually want to do, it won't be so bad. Don't get me wrong though, I'm looking forward to college, it's something I've always wanted to experience and I'm ready to finally continue my education. First I just have to apply and get in...so much to worry about, so little time.

Bitch Division

    I always think it’s interesting when people don’t speak to me for four years but then suddenly decide to, and the reason they are doing so is to reprimand me and tell me I’m doing something wrong. Good to know they think so highly of me right?

    So, this girl I knew from Auldern my old boarding school named Samantha sent me a facebook friends request a couple of months ago. We only slightly got along at boarding school. At first she used to grind me like a pebble under her shoe but after her therapist intervened she lay off and then gradually began to accept me as a human being that she deigned to share her air with. We actually spent part of a day together bonding and eating Swedish Fish at one point. We didn’t hate each other by the time I left so thats why I accepted her request. Well she hasn’t spoken to me until that time until today. My facebook status was set as “On a Joy Division binge.” Well she posted this on my wall “OMFG please stop listening to Joy Division.” Since then it has been a back and forth about how I was brought up on them and she doesn’t buy it. She insulted me various times, remarking how I used to be a “mopey emo Hot Topic kid” and how my music tastes were ‘hardly varied’ and even managed to insult my older sisters music tastes, as she was the one that brought me up on such music. I’ve actually done a pretty good job at not saying anything rude at all, but I think one more ridiculous comment and to hell with it, I’ll say what’s really on my mind. I could probably bring up about her own stereotypes that she carried around. I could possibly point out how she was a bitchy nazi death metal freak. The fact that she was, and is, into death metal isn’t the real problem, but the fact that she was and still seems to be a nazi by some of the people she listens to and runs with, is an actual problem. I mean, two can play at this game. God that sounds childish, I know. But I’ve tried really hard to maintain my high ground and be mature, my therapist would be proud lol. But one more really rude and unnecessary comment and I am releasing the hounds of hell. I’m not going to just sit back and take it like I used to. I’m just not. 

 I have been at the mountains for five days now, my stay here coming to an end tomorrow unfortunately. I wish I could stay here much longer, I wish I could live here with mom, Ian and Deb. I feel so much more whole somehow every time I come here, this is probably a result of my wilderness camp experience. Wilderness was the first place I had truly felt safe, able to be myself and surrounded by people who cared about me and really wanted to help. And all the while I was enveloped in the secluded majesty of the mountains, it was almost as if they were watching over me, sheltering me from the outside world and its pain. The moment I left wilderness I swore up and down that I never wanted to see another mountain in my life, funnily enough now there is nowhere I would rather be. I miss them and relish any time spent here. Tomorrow I have to go back to the real world and two days afterwords I have to take the SAT. I’m so worried about the math because I know I shall do so very poorly, I haven’t studied a bit even though I’ve had months to do so. I planned to study during my time here at Mouse Hole, I even cracked open the books and reviewed notes and such from my old GED classes. But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to bite the bullet and actually study. I knew it wouldn’t make much of a difference because the test was only five days away. Thats what I told myself anyway. I’m sure it would have made at least some bit of difference. It’s not like I’m doing myself any favors, I’m only furthering my reasons for feeling inadequate and unintelligent. I’m lapsing back into the old routine of, “it’s boring and tedious and hard so I’m not going to do it.” If I want to get into college and actually successfully complete college in a timely manner then I am going to HAVE to suck it up and learn to do things I don’t want to do when there are better things I’d rather be doing. You have to make certain sacrifices if you want a good education, which is why some people don’t have one. They don’t want to make the effort, the sacrifices, bettering themselves isn’t important while having fun and doing what you want when you want, is. I’m not a very good example of that at the moment, in fact I seem to fall in the latter category. But from now on, that’s going to change. Really. 

    I really hope that if I am accepted into the college of my choice for next fall that I actually do well and am not floundering about and cracked under the pressure of actual work. All the colleges I want to get into have very high standards for educational achievement. The classes are hard and challenging, I just hope I can rise to the challenge and not fail. Because when I fail I don’t just do it a little bit, I end up failing MISERABLY. Which is something I wish to avoid. But all the wishing in the world won’t help me, I’m going to have to actually do not just want. Wish me luck. 

Dear Body...

    So we all know I'm all about therapeutic  tools, so I thought I would try one out.  This one is called 'Dear Body' and it's where you are supposed to write a letter to your body apologizing for things you have done to it but also praising it for the good things. I heard about this and thought it would be a good thing for me to do, since I have so many issues with my body.  So, here goes.

    Dear Body,
       I'm sorry that I don't treat you as well as I should, and that I put you down so much, thanks for putting up with me. I'm going to try to take better care of you, and be nicer to you, but it may take some patience.  I will start first with my feet and work my way up.  Feet, thank you for holding up through wilderness camp and not giving out on me.  I know climbing up and down all those mountains for two months was painful and hard but thank you for not getting too damaged.  I should actually probably use you more often now, I promise I will do better, and thank you for not getting too big, thats a big plus.  Legs, I don't really like you right now, you are too big right now, I know it's my fault so I will try to correct this.  Just like feet, I will try to use you more often and make you smaller.  Butt, you are actually not to bad, although I wish you weren't as dimpley, but you have a nice shape which is more than any girl could ask for.  Stomach, you are my least favorite attribute, I can honestly say that I hate you, but I'm working on fixing that.  I have made you bigger than you are supposed to be, so I know you hate me as well.  It will take time to get thinner but I think I can do it.  Breasts, your shape is a bit odd but thank you so much for growing! I thought at one point you would never get bigger than a size A! You are one of my best attributes. :)  Heart, my dear dear heart.  Oh what we have been through together.  I am truly sorry for getting you broken so much, you could definitely stand to be better protected, but I think you are healing quite nicely.  It has taken a while but you are doing well.  Things are rough at the moment but I have faith that you won't shatter.  Arms, I am sorry for cutting you so much, I have mistreated you the worst probably.  For the longest time you were a canvas for my pain, but just like my heart you have healed nicely.  You still have scars but they aren't as bad as they used to be.  It has been a year, three months, and six days since I last made you bleed, I bet you are feeling a lot better!  Hands, you are greatly connected to both my heart and my brain, without you I would be nothing.  You are my outlet for my creativity, my pain and my joy, props for never giving out on me!  Sorry for biting my nails and my cuticles so much, that is one habit I haven't been able to break.  Mouth,  I like your shape and your color, I have never had any problems with you, except when you get cold sores, although you don't get them as much anymore thankfully.  You are also a very good kisser, it has always been a natural talent for you. Thanks for that, you've gotten me lots of praise. ;)  I shouldn't bite and pick at you though, it diminishes your beauty when I do and I'm sorry.  Nose, you could be worse I suppose, I just wish you weren't so allergic to things.  Eyes, you are my favorite!  Your color is a vibrant green and you are framed by long, thick lashes and people are always telling you how pretty you are.  You get me noticed, thanks! Ears, not too big and not to small, I don't have any problems with you.  What would I do without you, because of you I can listen to all the music that I love so dearly! Hair, I definitely have problems with you sometimes.  You tend to be frizzy and poofy if I don't take certain measures, but thanks for getting curlier as I grew older.  Sorry for straightening you and dyeing you at one point in my life, but I don't even use a hair dryer on you anymore, so you should be happy.  Brain, awesome brain!  Thanks for being so smart, even though I should have made you better by doing homework and such, but you are still intelligent, which will help me a lot! You are very creative and witty, two things I highly value.  So props to you for keeping things interesting!
    Body, I am also sorry for the tings that I couldn't control and prevent.  I'm sorry that dad hurt us so much, he had no right to do those things to us.  When I was a child I had no power to stop him, but I promise, nothing like that will ever happen again.  I won't let it, I can fight back now.  I'm sorry people used to pick on you, but remember, those people had problems with their body too, they just did it to make themselves feel better.  Sorry for the things Mary and Nicole did to you, it was mean and it hurt, Mary should have stuck up for us, she wasn't a very good girlfriend was she?  I'm sorry for letting Ashley be so abusive to you, I wanted a friend so badly back then that I just let her do it. I'm not that desperate anymore, we have plenty of very good friends that would never do such things to us thankfully.
    You aren't perfect body, but you do have some good attributes.  There are worse bodies out there really, so I am glad I have you.  Once I start taking better care of you, you will be even better!  It will be a slow process, but you will be much happier in the end.  I will end up loving you more once that happens too. Thanks for sticking with me all these years, we've got a while to go!
          Love,
Hannah L. Bradshaw
     It really hurts when friends, you swore you always be with, grow old with, aren't those kinds of friends anymore.  My best friend, in the whole world, no longer considers me her own.  She doesn't have to tell me in words, I can tell.  I am no longer number one on her myspace, which I have been for four years, she no longer calls me on breaks, and if she does its for a few short minutes, then never calls me back when she says she will.  We never talk online anymore, she never responds to my messages.  I don't matter as much as I used to.  We used to tell each other that we would be at our weddings, we would be there when our babies were born, and we would grow old together, with many cats.  We also promised each other that would travel Europe together, just the two of us, when we turned 18.  I don't see that ever happening.  In fact I don't think I will ever see her again.  Once she leaves Auldern and goes back to Florida, I won't see her again.  It's highly unlikely.  I have been replaced.  Although she hasn't been in my heart, which I don't think is fair.  I've lost friends over the years, but none of them have mattered like she did.  She was my rock through the shittiest time of my entire life.  She would snap me out of myself when I spiraled down to far.  I remember one time, when I refused to eat, I was going into the shower(this was at boarding school) and she followed me in, and fought me until I agreed to eat something.  She dragged me to the dining hall and fed me mashed potatoes.  She held my hangs and sang that Beatles song "I wanna hold your hand" when I wanted to cut.  She held me when I cried, she had reading fests with me all the time.  We would lay on her bed for hours and just read, which was what we loved to do best.  We loved the same boy at one point, but in two totally different ways.  We did stupid shit, we fought although we always got over it and were hugging the next day.  We would talk for hours on the phone, and sometimes we wouldnt even talk, we would just be on the phone together, doing our own thing, but still connected through our phones.
    But thats all in the past now.  I suppose it's time to mourn what was, accept what is, and value the dear people I still have in my life.

Love is a many splendid thing

    After watching an episode of Sex and the City where Smith(the really hot actor and 20 years younger) boy friend of Samantha shaves his head because Samantha is shaving her own because she is going through chemotherapy, I was so touched.  I now feel compelled to compile a list of what love is. Some of them are parts of lyrics, others are observations and some are personal.  After seeing that and talking with Sean today, I just want to.  Its the hopeless romantic side of me.

  • Love is shaving your beautiful head of hair because the person you loves hair is falling out from cancer
  • Love is watching someone die
  • Love is saying you will love and take of someone even if they weighed 500 pounds
  • Love is never having to say you're sorry
  • Love is never having to say you're sorry, but saying it anyway
  • Love is fighting for someone when they don't have the strength to fight for themselves
  • Love is doing the right thing, even when it hurts
  • Love is acknowledging that you have fucked up big time, and doing whatever it takes to make up for it
  • Love is doing what is best for someone even if THEY don't think its the best
  • Love is being too stubborn to be pushed away even if its "for your own good"
  • Love is indulging the other persons neurosis because you know they do the exact same for you
  • Love is forgiveness in its simplest, purest form
  • Love is spending two hours to decorate a birthday cake that will be eaten the very next day
  • Love is coming down off your high horse and really listening to what the other person has to say
  • Love is having a fight and then fighting about who is sorrier
  • Love is staying up until four in the morning with someone to make sure they don't do anything stupid
  • Love is being there for someone even when they hurt you
  • Love is putting up with shit that no other human being on this earth would
  • Love is sky diving with someone even when your second greatest fear is heights
  • Love is better than chocolate
  • Love is genderless, race-less, weightless, and boundless
  • Love is calling someone twice a night every night, even when the nurses at the hospital get annoyed
  • Love is only being able to hold hands, enjoying every minute of it, and finding it as sexy as can be
  • Love is being completely happy and content with someone even when the most horrible music is playing
  • Love is holding someones hair back as they barf, and as you try to keep your own down
  • Love is cooking Ramen for someone every time they ask you too, even though you know their lazy ass is perfectly capable of getting up and doing it themselves
  • Love is trying a bite of Lobster even though the thought of it disgusts you beyond belief
  • Love is being able to make the other person laugh, even when even a smile seems futile at that point
  • Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude nor selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful.  Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.  Love does not come to an end.


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Stories, Music and Razorblades

    Things have been going pretty o.k lately, nothing to good or bad has happened in the past week really.  I did discover some new music, Death in Vegas, Iggy Pop(I already knew of him of course, who doesnt, but I just started getting into him) and Basement Jaxx.  I love music so its always nice to find some new little gems.  I've still been working on my story, I think its a little over 50 pages now, and going good. It's definitely going to need some editing once I get it on the computer, but thats just part of the process.  I get all my thoughts on paper and then I do the final draft on the computer.  I will change words around and add on or remove things once I get in on my comp, I'm able to really take a step back and look at the story as a whole so to speak.  I won't be worrying whether I will be able to remember and idea or not at that point. 
    Anyway, something good did happen though, not to me but it did make me happy.  One of my best friends, Samantha, who is like a younger sister to me, has now gone 10 days without cutting! She went through a really rough spot last night, and I figured she had cut herself, but when I talked to her this morning, she hadn't!  I am so proud of her!  I felt a little guilty that I thought she had cut, but with her track record, I'm not beating myself up too much over it. She now knows that she really CAN make it, and though I had lots of faith in her abilities before, my faith has doubled now!  I love her so much, and I don't want her to lose herself to her addictions, cutting and other addictions(though we are just taking things one problem at a time!) so I'm always relieved to know that she really is doing her very best to battle it.  It reinforces my own personal strength as well in my journey. 

We were all in love with dying...

I really like this song, its dark and also slightly funny all at once. I think it also holds true to the way most teenagers are these days. We are in love with dying at one point or another.


Pepper by The Butthole Surfers
Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Sharice
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
            
              [Chorus]
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

[Chorus]

Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

[Chorus]

Jour de neige (Snow Day)

    It snowed here yesterday, everything was white and transformed.  I love it when it snows, I love the way it smells, the way it turns run of the mill things beautiful, the way the flakes cling to my hair making it sparkle, and the way the cold flushes everyones cheeks making them look like little children once more.  There is something very pure and cleansing about snow.  Back in the 1700's when yellow fever plauged almost everyone, the first frost of winter always ended it.  It was known as the 'Killing Frost', it killed the mosquitoes that carried the disease and the heat the bore the mosquitoes.  So back then, snow really was cleansing, it saved peoples lives.  Snow doesn't exactly carry such meaning anymore, but it does bring snowball fights, snowmen, and days off of school, which to most children is equally as important if not more!  I remember I would wake up in the morning, holding my breath that it would have snowed enough to be able to stay home from school, or at the very least, a two hour delay.  I don't need to worry about that anymore, but I do get excited with my little brother as he waits to hear which schools have been closed down and which are open.  Too bad it only snowed one day, and now it has all melted, but I relished the day that it did.  I've learned not to take advantage of certain things, now matter how small.  Because you never know when you will have such moments again.  Live everyday, not necessarily like its your last, just...live. 

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Far Away for Far to Long

Doogal!This is my Sean! A.K.A Doogal! I have forgotten why I originally nicknamed him that, but oh well.  Sean is the one on the right, hes got sort of a mullet going but thats ok, he doesnt know it yet, but when I see him, I am cutting his hair! Or at least fixing it so it isnt a mullet! Bless his heart.  Yep, that is my moody, mumbling, sometimes grumbling, French speaking, laughter creating, tall, big hearted, stubborn as a mule, horny, mullet headed love!  I dont know what I would do without him.

"If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark"
- I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans